


Everything Changes

by noxic



Category: I Wish You All the Best - Mason Deaver
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Gen, Introspection, Mentions Of Gender Dysphoria, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 21:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18903079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxic/pseuds/noxic
Summary: Ben isn't new to being nonbinary, but they are new to whatever this feeling is.-Ben makes a trip to the grocery store and goes home with more than just their purchases.





	Everything Changes

Now, being nonbinary is nothing new for Ben De Backer. They’ve been doing it all their life, in fact. On top of that, they’ve done the research. They’ve read the blogs and articles and books about identity and dysphoria and trying to exist in a world that doesn’t think you do. They’ve got the whole “trans experience” thing pretty much on lock. They know how it goes.

But that doesn’t make this any easier.

They’re standing in line at the grocery store with nothing on the belt except some bottles of cheap nail polish, a pack of hair ties, and a carton of orange juice. The cashier glances up at Ben, picks up the hair ties to start scanning, and gives a chipper, “Find everything okay today ma’am?”

And, yeah. This is the awkward part.

It’s not that Ben is opposed to being called “ma’am” specifically--they are, but at least it’s better than  _ sir _ \--but now that it’s out in the air, one of two things is going to happen: either Ben will respond and the cashier will hear their voice, and she’ll look mortified and start babbling, like  _ oh, I’m so sorry  sir , my mistake,  _ etc. and it’ll just make Ben feel worse because being called  _ sir _ is the fucking worst. Or, Ben will hesitate in uncomfortable silence, not knowing what to say, and the cashier will look up to see why they haven't responded yet. Her eyes will find barely-there facial hair and the hint of an Adam’s apple and a distinctly flat chest, and she’ll  _ still _ freak out and apologize too much and call them  _ sir _ , and Ben will have to placate her anyways, like  _ oh no it’s fine, I get it all the time, haha, etc. _ . So really there’s only one outcome to this situation, and they don’t want to deal with it.

Unfortunately, it’s not really something they can avoid. Instead, they press their lips together and wait for the inevitable.

The cashier looks up, and her eyes find theirs immediately before doing that back and forth thing that means she’s realizing her mistake.

“Oh my god,” she says, pausing.  _ Oh, here we go _ . “...Are you Ben De Backer?”

Ben blinks. What?

“Uh,” they say. “Yeah? Sorry, um.” They clutch the strap of their canvas shopping bag. “Do I know you?”

The girl smiles, and it’s a little crooked but seems sincere. “Oh, no,” she says brightly. “But I saw you on Mariam Haidari’s channel a while back and just. You seemed really cool so I thought you were another youtube personality, but I couldn’t find you anywhere and I just-- I never expected to see you here!”

“Oh,” Ben says. There’s a feeling bubbling up in their chest that they don’t recognize. “I, uh. Yeah, I’ve been in California for a little while, I guess. I’ll be doing more stuff with Mariam on their channel soon.” They try to give a smile, because the whole point of joining Mariam is to be encouraging and kind, and if they can’t do that here then they don’t deserve to do it on camera. The girl smiles back.

“Cool,” she says. She picks up Ben’s items from the belt and continues scanning them. Ben moves to bag their items as she talks. “My little sibling has been following Mariam for months, but I think they’d appreciate seeing someone like you out there, too. You both are really inspiring.”

_ Someone like me? _ Ben figures there are a whole bunch of things that could mean. Someone AMAB? Someone caucasian? Someone areligious? Someone androgynous? Someone fresh out of high school who clearly doesn’t have their shit together yet? They don’t ask for clarification. They aren’t really sure they want to know.

“Ah, thank you,” they say instead, not knowing what else there is to say. They pull out a twenty to cover the total and stays silent as she counts back the change.

“Have a great day,” she says as they pocket the money. “Hope everything works out with the channel!”

Ben smiles again, hopefully less wobbly this time. “Thanks, I’ll tell Mariam you said so. They love hearing about fans.” With a wave, they walk off to leave the cashier to her job.

Driving in the city is kind of a pain, and with so little to carry and so little to do today, Ben had decided to ride the bus rather than brave traffic just for some nail polish and juice. They stand at the bus stop just down the block from the store, now, lavender-painted fingernails tapping against the strap of their grocery bag.

Ben is  _ not _ new to being nonbinary, or even to being androgynous in a remarkable way. They’re used to being noticed in public the way other people aren’t. They’re used to getting stares and whispers and hurried apologies from distracted service workers. All those things still  _ hurt _ , sure, but they’re old news. But  _ this _ is definitely a first. Ben doesn’t think they’ve ever been called inspirational before.

As the bus approaches from down the block, Ben runs a hand through their hair. It’s getting long.  _ You should get it cut _ , a man’s voice says from somewhere deep and dark inside their head.  _ Shut the fuck up _ , they tell it back.

Ben De Backer is inspirational.  They’re messy and anxious and still kind of depressed, but god damn it, they’re inspirational. People know their name and recognize their face for something worthwhile, and a random cashier at the grocery store near their apartment called them fucking  _ inspirational _ .

If the bus driver notices the wetness in Ben’s eyes as they board the bus and swipe their pass, he doesn’t say anything. Ben takes a seat near the middle of the bus and sniffles, but doesn’t let the tears fall. For once, they’re not going to cry about this. They’re going to smile and laugh and send a text to Mariam to let her know that someone called the two of them  _ inspirational _ .

(Mariam probably already knows this, of course, but that isn’t the point.)

Ben is not new to being nonbinary. But they  _ are  _ new to whatever this feeling is. And they don’t ever want it to go away.

**Author's Note:**

> Ben's experience at the beginning of the chapter reflects my own experience as a nonbinary person who isn't quite andro enough to pass as such in the public eye. Sucks! But Ben deserves more than that, and I wanted to see them get it.
> 
> wanna talk about gender things? i'm on tumblr @ noxee, feel free to come scream with me about queer YA lit and the tribulations of being gnc.


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